Shiv's Really Random Moments
by QueenWesker123
Summary: Made in boredom. If you want me to do another, please review. 5 reviews to make another please : xx


Shiv's Really Random Moments Presents… A Resident Evil Parody

_**Note: All Characters Will Have Initials For Their Names (Will Put The Name Of Character When They Have A First Appearance)**_

S (Shiv): Hello and welcome to the first ever Shiv's Really Random Moments - Resi Edition! We have some very special guests in the studio with us today although most of them have other places they would rather be we made them come here by bribing them with photos we found of them drunk at the Christmas Party last year… Blackmail for the win! So without further ado lets welcome our first guest!

-JK (Jack Krauser) walks on stage with his knife in one hand and a number of little cards in the other-

S: Hello Jack! Welcome to the show! How are you feeling today?

JK: Fine! I'm just a little pissed that Leon is here though…

-silence-

S: You just gave away one of our special guests you dope! And you cant say the 'P' word of television

JK: Oh… wow. -Awkward silence- Well erm thank you for having me anyway!

S: So Krauser what have you been doing lately?

JK: Well I'm glad you asked! I have opened my very own clothing store very recently. Its been quite the success I think

S: Oh really? That's good. What is this store called?

JK: Get this… you'll love it… Krauser's Trousers.

S: -Stunned silence and not the good kind- Oh… well… the names very original -she tries to stifle a laugh-

JK: I know right? I was told by my lawyer that it was the best name he has ever heard.

S: You're lawyer?

JK: Yeah… by opening this store it goes towards my fine.

S: Fine?

JK: Yeah for kidnapping the presidents daughter.

S: Yeah about that… what made you kidnap that annoying child?

JK: I figured that I could get a sick amount of money and they maybe be appointed into the white house for being an American Hero

S: How did you figure that out? -confused look-

JK: I gave the Prez's ears a rest from her whining

S: Hmmm fair point and on that note its time for a break. See you in 2!

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

ADV (Advertising Dudes Voice): Are you bored of you're normal white eggs from the supermarket? Of course you are! Will you risk life and limb with the most scariest of all creatures in the RE world…

SA (Sheva Alomar): No… No don't come any closer! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-loud squawk-

ADV - Come to the Marshlands Chicken Hut. Not a Majini in sight! You can fight with rabid chickens whilst you grope the floor for Brown eggs! (_We are not responsible for deaths because of these chickens. It was your own stupid fault for going to the island in the first place!)_

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

S: Welcome back to shiv's really random moments! We have another guest to bring out! Chris Redfield!

CR (Chris): -He comes out twitching like mad with a bottle of Steds in his right hand- Hi! Hi! Hi!

S: Oh god… I knew I should have took the job advertising that killer chicken advert -she mutters- Erm Hey Chris! Good to see you! Feeling okay?

CR: Yeah fine! -he speaks quickly and slightly high pitched. He then does a big neck twitch making Krauser move up a seat-

S: O…kay then… How is Claire?

CR: Great! Great! Great! -He says this repeatedly-

-Krauser punches him in the face to get him to stop-

S: Thank you Krauser. I think were all in agreement, that needed to be done…

JK: Hmph… its what I do

CR: Pretty stage lights! -he says getting up and trying to jump at them only to be restrained by the bodyguards and dragged off. Before leaving Shiv puts a sticker on his forehead saying 'INSANE' in bold red letters. Chris' younger sister then comes out to take control over the matter-

CLR (Claire Redfield): Thank you for apprehending my brother… ever since he went off his smart pills he's been acting strangely… thanks boys. I can take it from here. -She grabs Chris by the freakishly large bicep and dragging him off-

CR: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

S: -Face palms-

JK: We'll be right back…

S: Hey! That's my line!

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

ADV: And now a word from our sponsor.

N (Nemesis): RAAAAAAAAA! RA RA RAAAAAAA RAAAAAAA! -He is dressed in a tennis shirt and shorts and is brandishing a tennis racket-

-Wimbledon wholly supports the Nemesis Programme because Umbrella forced them us to-

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

JK: Come to Krauser's Trousers! We have a ranger of clothing for the average fat man! You wont be disappointed!

_(Krauser's Trousers was closed today after realising that Krauser spent all his budget in a month on fruity Easter eggs. Ya know the ones with gems on them?)_

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

S: Welcome back to part three of this pointless show! We have Albert Wesker in the studio who is my self acclaimed boyfriend!

AW (Albert Wesker): Greetings. So… You're Shiv are you?

S: Yes.

AW: So you're the one who has been calling me at three in the morning asking me if I like to 'Party down?'

S: No… you must be talking about another Shiv…

AW: But you just said that-

S: Question baby erm I mean Wesker. I can call you Wesker cant I?

AW: No.

S: Good. So Weskey Pops… do you consider yourself as 'The One'?

AW: -Gives Shiv a stern look.-

S: M…moving on before Wesker maims me… its time to get a look at a part of the show I like to call 'Privacy Invader!". this is where my cameraman goes into a random dressing room behind the scenes and routes around in it! It's great you'll love it. Avert you're eyes to the big screen above me.

JK: Hey Wesker? Have you ever considered going to my new store?

AW: You mean the store for fat people.

JK: Yeah. Krauser's Trousers.

AW: The one that was closed down?

JK: -owned silence- mother f… -Krauser runs off set cursing-

AW: Wait did he just call me fat?

S: SHUT UP AND WATCH THIS ALEY BEAR!

AW: O.o

-Screen comes down and it shows the door to Shiv's dressing room-

S: Yay! My room!

-The camera man goes straight to the corner of the room that it lit with candles-

S: My favourite thing in my dressing room… -she says dreamily-

AW: Wait a second! Is that my picture?

S: Yes. Problem?

AW: Why are my eyes closed?

S: Oh I took it whilst you were sleeping. I didn't think you'd mind

AW: -Glares-

S: Time for another break. I'll hopefully see you then if I'm not dead…

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

ADV: Would you like a flea collar that keeps the fleas at bay?

BB (Barry Burton): Please -speaks though his nose-

Then buy the new Umbrella flea collar!

_Any skin loss is purely coincidental, and as for the skin eating, buy a gun._

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

LSK (Leon S Kennedy) Hey guys, for all you people with stupidly long hair come Leandros! Next to Starbucks and another Starbucks. Get a haircut with me, get a free Starbucks!

(_in place of 'Krauser's Trousers')_

********************************* ADVERTISEMENT ALERT! **************************

S: Yeah, yeah, yeah part 4. With Albert Whiskers trying to strangle me during the break I have been told by him to apologise for embarrassing him on public television. I told him I would apologise if he became my boyfriend and he reluctantly agreed. So I apologise for my silly behaviour. And now… we have one last guest in the studio. Give him a warm random welcome!

BB: Hey! Thank you for inviting me!

AW: Chuck Norris! I'm such a big fan of yours!

S: That's Barry Burton dearest.

AW:… I knew that

S: Hey Barry! Say the line!

BB: What?

S: SAY…THE…FREAKING…LINE!

BB: -flatly- don't worry I have this

S: -not amused-

AW: So… still got that beard huh?

BB: Don't I always? -he boasts, stroking it lovingly-

AW: Can I touch it? -reaching out to touch it-

BB: -slaps his hand away- No! Don't touch my special area!

AW: Sorry -he said nursing his hand-

S: Well… I think maybe we should let you perform now! Since this is becoming sufficiently awkward between you & Aley…

BB: Yeah! -from his beard he pulls a microphone and hands it to Wesker-

AW: -picks the hairs from it-

S: Okay guys let him in!

-CR appears again this time more calmed due to recent intake of Steds. He sits down at a drum kit that made its way up through a trap door in the floor. AW & BB follow him and take their positions on stage-

BB: Gillette For Men Worldwide now presents… Boats n Hoes!

-Music starts and BB & AW burst into song-

BB: Boats 'n' Hoes, I gotta have me my boats 'n' hoes x1

AW: Boats 'n' Hoes, I gotta have me my boats 'n' hoes x2

BB: The Nina, AW: OH, BB: the Pinta, AW: OH, BB: the Santa Maria, AW: OH, BB: I'll do you in the bottom while your drinking Sangria.

AW: Nachos, lemon heads, on Burton's boat, youwont go down 'cause my dick can float!

BB: We sail 'round the world and go port to port, Every time I cum I produce a quart

AW: Put on your life vest, let's drop anchor, there's a nice lady oh, I'd like to spank her.

-points at himself because he thinks he's awesomely sexual. He's right. Also his egos the size of the moon. Also without realising he was calling himself a woman…-

BB & AW: (Boats 'n' Hoes, Boats 'n' Hoes, I gotta have me my boats 'n' hoes.) x2

BB: Deadliest catch, without the crabs, we're almost out of gas, call the Arabs!

AW: I'm a pussy Pirate my name is Jack Sparrow, take off my pants so you can see my flesh arrow.

BB: Make sure to wax, use your mom's Nair you'll be amazed when I cum in your hair!

AW: Pull up the anchor cause we're leaving dry land, get below deck with a dick in your hand!

BB & AW: (Boats 'n' Hoes, Boats 'n' Hoes, I gotta have me my boats 'n' hoes.) x2

-BB & AW dance like morons with CR rocking away on the drums. The problem was that the 'music' CR was making wasn't even good. Shiv slowly slides away from them-

S: Thanks for watching. I'll be back same time tomorrow when I'll have more random guests to show up J I would like to thank our sponsors T-Type Tennis playing, Leandro's and Crazy Killer Chicken Egg place… also Umbrella. oh and who could forget Gillette for men? that's the name of their silly so called 'band'. Now I'm going to get out of here before I die of a perforated ear drum. Bye everyone!

_**(Note - I don't think I will make any more of these. Simply because I did this during boredom. If it gets ANY reviews I will do another.)**_


End file.
